k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm like, not good at living.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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