Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
