Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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