Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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