Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
