Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
