Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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