im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
they need to just BURY HIM!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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