I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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