end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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