My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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