dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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