Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
