I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
