tell your sister to shave her snatch
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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