I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
