Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Randomize
