JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
