My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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