If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
