I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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