Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
