The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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