just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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