I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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