The best revenge is premature balding
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
