it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
