Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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