I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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