I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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