I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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