I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
