just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
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