She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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