somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
