the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
