I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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