I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
