Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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