Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
