He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
