is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she peed on how many people?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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