my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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