So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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