I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
