if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
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I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
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He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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