I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
