Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
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They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
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I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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