At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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