I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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