girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
