We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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