Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
