i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
