oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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