so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
