i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
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