When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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