saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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