She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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