i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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